COMPLAINTS (by request)

I recently sent out a request for my FB friends to give me a few items to complain about. I need some motivation to start writing again and since I like to bitch about stuff it made perfect sense. A few people have requested more than one complaint and to you I say...who the fuck do you think you are? At any rate I will try to answer a few of yours but probably not all.

Without too much explanation, let me just go ahead and dive in.

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Melaura,

You requested about 4 complaints. 3 pertaining to Asian drivers and 1 about gravity. You are a racist. I respect that. I might have a complaint for all the above.

Here is the thing about gravity, it keeps us planted to the ground. As humans we are lazy by nature and if we wanted to get from point A to B, in the past we would have to walk. But thanks to a few not so lazy people in the past we now have the automobile. Now if we didn't have gravity we wouldn't need automobiles we would use jet packs to propel ourselves through the sky. How wonderful would that be? Well, gravity fucks that up. It sticks us on the ground in cars next to other people in their cars. We get frustrated and want to strangle people in their cars. Especially shitty drivers. Who are the worst drivers? Right.
Ya know...our cars protect us from the outside elements. They also protect shitty drivers from people who would like to punch them in the face on a daily basis. If we were in jet packs we could fly around punching shitty jet packers in the face. Or at least have fun chasing them. I think that if these shitty drivers where in an environment were they could be punched in the face they may just learn how to drive a little better.
Gravity fucks that all up.

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Desten,

You have requested Kids. Yes Kids. How can I complain about kids? More like...how can I NOT complain about kids?

Kids suck. To be more specific. YOUR kids suck. I don't have kids. But if I did or when I do, I am sure they will be awesome. But YOUR kids suck people. There isn't an adult on the planet who likes other peoples kids. Sure there are people who put up with them better than others but nobody actually likes them.

Kids are a real pain in the ass. They bring nothing to the table and even worse is that as an adult you have to watch what you do and say in front of them. What the fuck is this? When I was a kid I was the one who had to watch my shit NOT the adults. Nowadays kids basically run around like a bunch of assholes while the adults stand around hoping to not get punched in the balls or make them cry. That's another thing, kids are such pussy's nowadays. They cant do anything on their own and I'm pretty sure they are all going to grow up to be gay. I don't mind a sprinkling of a few effeminate boys running around with the other kids. We all had that neighbor kid growing up who would get into his mothers make up bag a little too often. But its like 80% of them now. And you could take out like 45% of a school playground armed with a bag of peanuts. Remember the good 'ol days when they had to shoot us with sniper rifles from afar? Ahh the memories.

Honestly, I should call this "Part One" because I could go on all day about why kids suck.

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Mark,

You've requested "Too much game for the masses" & the Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum.

The first request is very near and dear to my heart. Being the smartest guy in the room may sound like a good thing. It's not. Life would be much much easier if I were as dumb as you peop...uh..."the masses". What I would wouldn't give to go through life like you peop...er...a complete fucking moron. Not a care in the world.

If I were stupid and had NO game...I would have probably bought that Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum from that silver tongued television commercial pitchman with the British accent and the salt and pepper hair. But I am too smart. And I have a computer and know how to Google product reviews and because of that I know that the Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum is a shitty product.

If I were dumb and had NO game I probably would have bought one and not known the difference. I would be having fun with all of the attachments right now instead of blowing your minds. But having too much game for the masses has kept me in a virtual "brain prison".

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Justin P.,

Feline Aids, Mexican Candy, New Jersey, Renee Zellweger, VH-1 & Snuggies.

How dare you ask for so much. You have cut into my drinking time...er...for the last time (dammit).

Feline AIDS, my only complaint about feline AIDS is that there isn't enough of it. Cats suck. They are rude snotty animals. Every time I touch one I want to take a shower. I can't be at someones home who has a cat and not feel dirty and coated with that fucking cat dander. Its disgusting and the fact that they can die from AIDS brings a little bit of joy to my day.

Mexican candy is a fucking joke. Whenever someone offers me a piece, pouch or stick of Mexican candy I always say no. Here is what you get...some sort of fake fruit shit smothered in...ready for it? Chili. If I took a shit, smothered it in chili powder and put it on a stick I could call it Mexican candy and I would make a profit on it if I sold it from some ghetto ice cream truck.

New Jersey. I don't really know much about NJ but I do know that I apparently hate their housewives and their shore. If I actually knew more about NJ and was forced to write a blog about it I suppose I would have used words like cunt, cunts, cunty, cunt donkeys, cunt faces, cunty hair-dos, cunty children, and whorish cunt fucks. But I suppose we will never know what I think about NJ.

Renee Zellweger could only fuck Tom Cruise in a make believe movie. 1) because she looks like Renee Zellweger and 2) because Tom would rather fuck her brother. That lemon sucking looking face of hers is brutal. She looks like a caricature of herself.

VH-1. The Adult MTV. Bullshit. They should call it "BET for white women". Show's like "Basketball Wives", "Football Wives", What Chili Wants", "Love & Hip Hop", "Beverly Hills Fabulous" are taking over the station. They have followed in the footsteps of their parent company MTV. There are no videos and there are no hits on Video Hits 1. Remove it from my cable package and credit me a nickle.

Snuggies are for the weak. Here's who buys Snuggies, people who think they are are a funny ironic gift and people who are completely out of touch with society. People who are out of touch are the ones that bother my the least. These are the ones who actually lay on their couch and read their shitty romance novels and/or Vampire novels while wrapped in their Snuggie. These are also people who probably own multiple cats who I hope all die of AIDS.
The other half are the ones who give them as gifts and think they are funny. But those arent the people who bother me the most either. The ones who encourage this type of behavior are the ones I cant fucking stand. The one you yells "OH MY GOD...YOU GOT A SNUGGIE!! HOW HILARIOUS!!! LET ME GET MY CAMERA!!! I HAVE TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS!!! DID YOU SEE HIS/HER FACE?!?!? TOO FUNNY!!!"
Go kill yourself.

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That will have to suffice for now.

Ken

El Centro the Beautiful

Have you ever been to a place and wondered how people can stand to live there? Why people live there at all? What brings a group of people to such an uninhabitable part of the earth? And (while doing my best Seinfeld impression…which is pretty good by the way) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???

I’ve been to a place. The armpit…NAY…the taint of this wonderful state we call California. This place has a name. Its name is…EL CENTRO!

In Spanish, El Centro means “Center”. The center of your butt is your asshole. The center of your dick is your dickhole. The center of other people’s butts and dicks are their assholes and dickholes…I think that you get the idea and yes I only had two examples and bad ones even, but please...lets continue. 

My first experience of the day was driving through the heart of “Center” on my way to a job site. I didn’t expect a lot of this little town but I never would have guessed it would be this bad. There isn’t really anything that stands out about "Center". It’s simply a small town of tiny and old looking business that you have never heard of nor would need any of their products and/or services from, sprinkled with some that you have heard of. There seems to be at least one of every standard “on the road again” type restaurant/convenience store. 

Let's play a little game called "Roll Call" shall we. McDonald’s? Here. Jack in the Box? Present. 7/11? Yes. Denny’s? Here. Barnes & Noble book store? ...Book store? ....Book store? ..BOOK STORE!?!?!?  No bookstores here. You can pretty much judge a community by its liquor store to book store ratio and when it’s 50:0…let’s just say that’s what they call a “tell” and what it seems to be telling us is that there are morons here and we wanna keep it that way. There also seems to be a lot of frustrated people. Ignorance + Broke = Frustration. The climate doesn’t help things. The average temperature in “Center” is a soothing 110 degrees. To put this in perspective, that is only 5 degrees cooler than Baghdad...if that means anything in the frustration department.

After I was done at the first job site, I had a little time to kill before I could start my next job. I needed internet access and although I had been awake since 3am, I hadn’t had my morning caffeine yet. Starbucks it is!! Of course they would have a Starbucks here right? ...Right!?!?!?  Dear navigation lady…please take me to the nearest Starbucks. She took me down a dirt road and to….not Starbucks. On a side note: on my way out of the lettuce field that the navigation lady swore Starbucks was in, I realized that when I was within about a half a mile from where Starbucks was supposed to be, I could see that there was indeed no Starbucks there. I went the rest of the way on faith. So you see, all my little bible thumping friends, "faith" has taken me to a dead end.

On my way back in to the main part of “Center” I was at a stop light when I noticed a “21 Flavors”. At first I thought, wow…now there is a piece of history. The original Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors, apparently only had 21 flavors and so that is pretty coo…coo…wait…is that…I think it is…THE FUCKING 2 IS COVERING THE  NUMBER 3!!! That’s right. This is a Baskin Robbins 31 flavors that only has 21 flavors and they had to alter the sign....and that is a “tell”

I then came to a street called Main Street. Yes…Main Street…in “Center”. Main Street is typically the flagship street of any small town or community. Hell, even the heart and soul of Disneyland runs through Main Street. So I was ready to be wowed. They even had an official entrance to Main Street...but that’s where the excitement ends. 

The sun was rising and the homeless were coming out in droves, pushing shopping carts with groups of stray dogs following. I have never understood the homeless person who owns a dog. These homeless people had not "a dog" but "dogs" plural. One dude had the craziest looking face I had ever seen. He looked like Al Pacino’s character Big Boy Caprice in the movie “Dick Tracy”  with Anton Chigurh's haircut, if in fact that was a real dude who had become homeless and smoked 100 cigarette butts an hour.

Big Boy Caprice

Anton Chigurh

Towards the end of the day I made it to the east side of “Center” which is the “better” part. This area is called Holtville, and it is the La Jolla of “Center”, if of course 87% of La Jolla was populated by people from Oaxaca, MX who have panache for 1970’s era Ford sedans with faux wood siding and who could care less about having auto insurance.  

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure…

Starbucks - This is where navigation lady took me. By the way…they only have one size…is it..Tall? Grande? Venti? No…they only carry "big giant douchebag who follows navigation lady through lettuce fields" size. “you will reach your destination in 50ft”...hmmm...doesn't look like a Starbucks from here...perhaps hit it with something and see if coffee comes out??

Lettuce Field - Nice view of the "lettuce" field on way out of “Starbucks”. I am pretty sure it wasn't lettuce, but just to keep the racism alive, I will refer to it as lettuce for obvious reasons. (and if it is not obvious to you...then you might be going to heaven)

Local Art Scene - When you see this, do you think the same thing I do? “Those fucking Jew’s and their goddamn graffiti”. You know…this is why whenever I go to Home Depot to pick up spray paint, they have to find a guy with a key while I stand there like a schmuck for a half hour.

Local Political Views - I thought this was funny…why would you put a Tecate sticker and a sticker with a guy drinking on the rear window of your car. As if the cops don’t fuck with us enough. Coincidentally he must have a fleet of vehicles because his license plate read “DUI 1”. I'm guessing "DUI 2" is on a riding lawnmower somewhere near Starbucks.

Cool Treats - Baskin Robbins Thirty..no…Twenty One flavors. Me: “I will take a scoop of double chocolate fudge” Employee: “WHOA…WHOA…You city folk keep comin' in here with your big ice cream demands and all your fancy flavor requests”…(it’s funnier in my head)

Gypped - Close up. You can see the 3 peeking out.

Entrance to Main Street - This took two guys from Starbucks and a dude from 21 Flavors...three whole days to build.

…..er….Main Street?  - And why not build a shrine in honor of the portal that whisks you away and into...here.

Masonic Temple - When I think “Temple” this is exactly what I think of. (Granted it is a Masonic Temple)

Cancel Dia de los Muertos - Sorry…we ran out of dead people. We had to close our doors.

Close up -Maybe the owners died?

Thank God for Jesus!! - No matter how shitty the rest of the town, you can always find a well kept church. Where do they get all the money to have such a nice church? Oh…from the fucking broke ass people who put their faith in…ahhhhh fuck it! That’s a whole other blogs worth.

Park Manure - Motel in the La Jolla part of town.

Golf Anyone - I "Googled" and found out there was a golf resort close by with a lounge. Since I had 4 hours to kill between jobs I figured I might be able to go there and hang. This is it. The Barbara Worth Resort.
True Story – I went in and asked a lady working there where the lounge area was. She told me that it was closed to “non-members” right now and then tried selling me a can of beer out of her mini fridge in the break room. I’m pretty sure she would have blown me…but she was missing a "visible" tooth. Not too good.

Resort Area - Looks like the Barbara Worth Resort has resorted to turning away too many “non-members”. I must admit that this is the best resort if you want peace and quiet...or if you need to rape, torture and bury the body with nobody finding it for another 20…30 years.

Sign Signs everywhere the signs - They don’t want skateboarders and bikers fucking with the décor. Although I think if you let a few fruity rollerblader’s come around they may end up sprucing up the place. May even get an extra parade out of it once a year…if you catch my drift. (Joke: What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your dad you are gay)

It feels so good when it hits my lips - Actually a pretty cool bar I found while trying to get out of the heat. Name…Hot Rods & Beer.   Link to reviews --> Hot Rods & Beer

GMTFOOH - Leaving “Center”!!!

Conclusion…”Center” is basically an outdoor homeless shelter with a ghost town motif. It’s the asshole, the dickhole, the taint…the La Jolla of the armpit of California. 

KC

Dude, you’re wearing another man’s name on your back!

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Rated "M" for Mature? (June 16, 2006)

Video Game ratings...Rated "M" for Mature

I am 34 years old and I still play video games.
What is so mature about that?

Love,

Ken

up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, Select, Start.

Poker is NOT a sport (written August 11, 2006)

Poker is not a sport. It is not entertaining to watch. It is a group of socially inept people sitting around a table playing cards. It is boring. 

Gambling is known as an addiction and a problem. Society puts gamblers up there with drug addicts and alcoholics. People go to jail for gambling. Now it is a spectator sport on ESPN and  it is a news worthy story on FoxSports.com. 

They might as well have cock fights and the national "Quarters" championship televised. I'd rather watch grass grow. And everyone that I have spoken too feels the same!

Nerd Alert!!

BTW...Gimmie 5 large on the Lakers to cover!!

KC

Fruity Be-Gone (written 10/17/2007)

Well...it has been awhile since my last blog posting. But I just read an article today in regards to "metrosexual" going out of style and how it is being replaced with "menergy" which is described as "anti-metrosexual, hyper-masculine".

This metrosexual thing is ridiculous and has gotten out of control. Let's review the typical outfit for a metrosexual....tight shirt, tight jeans (sometimes chicks jeans), what looks like womens sunglasses, fauxhawk, and last but not least those ugly fucking shoes.

1) ...lets face it...jeans are expensive now-a-days. but if you are paying more than $100 for them...you might suck cock!

2) ...I don't want everyone to walk around in baggy clothes. I am not suggesting going ghetto. But for fuck sake...if I can see your arreola's through you shirt....you might suck cock!

3) ...What do...Jackie O, Audrey Hepburn, Elton John circa 1975 and the guy who made your coffee this morning all have in common? They all have similar taste in sun protective eye wear...and they all suck cock!

4)...My god man...that shitty haircut makes you look like a Sleestack At least your man has something to hold on too while...well...you suck his cock?

5)...You knew those shoes were ugly when you saw them. You knew they had no arch support when you tried them on. Take them off....just take them off....and remember...swallow....don't spit.

Let's all agree that its always good to be clean and smell good and pop your zits and brush your hair and wear nice clothes that are up to date and fit properly and all that. However, for dudes to start taking cues from women as to how they dress is ridiculous.

Look...I'm no Casanova but I do know that I have a wife because I'm a man! I sweat...I'm tipping the scale much more than I need to be...I have some visible  scars...I drink beer and scotch...I watch football...I've been in fights....But...I can also change my own oil...I can talk shit....I can cook BBQ better than anyone on my block...I can quote Caddyshack from beginning to end...and I AM A MAN!!!! And the only tight shirts and jeans I have are the ones I grew out of!!!

C-ya Fruity...real men are back.

P.S. 
To all my homo friends...we like you the way you are.

KC

Cab Drivers

Does the Statue of Liberty say "Hey third world countries...send us the worst fucking drivers you have!!"? What is it with these cocksucker cab drivers? Go back to riding goats. Last I checked...Ethiopia, for example, doesn't have a rich history of professional race car drivers. What kind of automobiles do they manufacture again in Pakistan? Holy crap! Do they even have paved roads in India? Seriously...is there one fucking road that isn't covered in dirt? 

You mean that I gotta pay $30 for this smelly prick to give me a "safe" ride? We cut off 4 cars, stopped at 2 green lights, I'm pretty sure we side swiped a bicycle. I couldn't roll the window down because it was broken so I get to smell the wonderful combo of whatever he ate for lunch coming out of his armpits in the 90 degree cab all soaked up in his rayon fucking shirt....etc...etc. It's not like it's an isolated incident either. 

I bet EVERY foreign cab driver is the worst driver in their family to boot...including their mothers...and we all know that mothers are bad drivers. Which is why I won't have kids. I worry about my wife's safety behind the wheel of a car once she spits out a child.

"You are going where? The INS building? 

I've never been there."

 

Just had to bitch about it real quick.

KC