Have you ever been to a place and wondered how people can stand to live there? Why people live there at all? What brings a group of people to such an uninhabitable part of the earth? And (while doing my best Seinfeld impression…which is pretty good by the way) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???
I’ve been to a place. The armpit…NAY…the taint of this wonderful state we call California. This place has a name. Its name is…EL CENTRO!
In Spanish, El Centro means “Center”. The center of your butt is your asshole. The center of your dick is your dickhole. The center of other people’s butts and dicks are their assholes and dickholes…I think that you get the idea and yes I only had two examples and bad ones even, but please...lets continue.
My first experience of the day was driving through the heart of “Center” on my way to a job site. I didn’t expect a lot of this little town but I never would have guessed it would be this bad. There isn’t really anything that stands out about "Center". It’s simply a small town of tiny and old looking business that you have never heard of nor would need any of their products and/or services from, sprinkled with some that you have heard of. There seems to be at least one of every standard “on the road again” type restaurant/convenience store.
Let's play a little game called "Roll Call" shall we. McDonald’s? Here. Jack in the Box? Present. 7/11? Yes. Denny’s? Here. Barnes & Noble book store? ...Book store? ....Book store? ..BOOK STORE!?!?!? No bookstores here. You can pretty much judge a community by its liquor store to book store ratio and when it’s 50:0…let’s just say that’s what they call a “tell” and what it seems to be telling us is that there are morons here and we wanna keep it that way. There also seems to be a lot of frustrated people. Ignorance + Broke = Frustration. The climate doesn’t help things. The average temperature in “Center” is a soothing 110 degrees. To put this in perspective, that is only 5 degrees cooler than Baghdad...if that means anything in the frustration department.
After I was done at the first job site, I had a little time to kill before I could start my next job. I needed internet access and although I had been awake since 3am, I hadn’t had my morning caffeine yet. Starbucks it is!! Of course they would have a Starbucks here right? ...Right!?!?!? Dear navigation lady…please take me to the nearest Starbucks. She took me down a dirt road and to….not Starbucks. On a side note: on my way out of the lettuce field that the navigation lady swore Starbucks was in, I realized that when I was within about a half a mile from where Starbucks was supposed to be, I could see that there was indeed no Starbucks there. I went the rest of the way on faith. So you see, all my little bible thumping friends, "faith" has taken me to a dead end.
On my way back in to the main part of “Center” I was at a stop light when I noticed a “21 Flavors”. At first I thought, wow…now there is a piece of history. The original Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors, apparently only had 21 flavors and so that is pretty coo…coo…wait…is that…I think it is…THE FUCKING 2 IS COVERING THE NUMBER 3!!! That’s right. This is a Baskin Robbins 31 flavors that only has 21 flavors and they had to alter the sign....and that is a “tell”
I then came to a street called Main Street. Yes…Main Street…in “Center”. Main Street is typically the flagship street of any small town or community. Hell, even the heart and soul of Disneyland runs through Main Street. So I was ready to be wowed. They even had an official entrance to Main Street...but that’s where the excitement ends.
The sun was rising and the homeless were coming out in droves, pushing shopping carts with groups of stray dogs following. I have never understood the homeless person who owns a dog. These homeless people had not "a dog" but "dogs" plural. One dude had the craziest looking face I had ever seen. He looked like Al Pacino’s character Big Boy Caprice in the movie “Dick Tracy” with Anton Chigurh's haircut, if in fact that was a real dude who had become homeless and smoked 100 cigarette butts an hour.
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| Big Boy Caprice |
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| Anton Chigurh |
Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure…
Starbucks - This is where navigation lady took me. By the way…they only have one size…is it..Tall? Grande? Venti? No…they only carry "big giant douchebag who follows navigation lady through lettuce fields" size. “you will reach your destination in 50ft”...hmmm...doesn't look like a Starbucks from here...perhaps hit it with something and see if coffee comes out??
Lettuce Field - Nice view of the "lettuce" field on way out of “Starbucks”. I am pretty sure it wasn't lettuce, but just to keep the racism alive, I will refer to it as lettuce for obvious reasons. (and if it is not obvious to you...then you might be going to heaven)
Local Art Scene - When you see this, do you think the same thing I do? “Those fucking Jew’s and their goddamn graffiti”. You know…this is why whenever I go to Home Depot to pick up spray paint, they have to find a guy with a key while I stand there like a schmuck for a half hour.
Local Political Views - I thought this was funny…why would you put a Tecate sticker and a sticker with a guy drinking on the rear window of your car. As if the cops don’t fuck with us enough. Coincidentally he must have a fleet of vehicles because his license plate read “DUI 1”. I'm guessing "DUI 2" is on a riding lawnmower somewhere near Starbucks.
Cool Treats - Baskin Robbins Thirty..no…Twenty One flavors. Me: “I will take a scoop of double chocolate fudge” Employee: “WHOA…WHOA…You city folk keep comin' in here with your big ice cream demands and all your fancy flavor requests”…(it’s funnier in my head)
Gypped - Close up. You can see the 3 peeking out.
Entrance to Main Street - This took two guys from Starbucks and a dude from 21 Flavors...three whole days to build.
…..er….Main Street? - And why not build a shrine in honor of the portal that whisks you away and into...here.
Masonic Temple - When I think “Temple” this is exactly what I think of. (Granted it is a Masonic Temple)
Cancel Dia de los Muertos - Sorry…we ran out of dead people. We had to close our doors.
Close up -Maybe the owners died?
Thank God for Jesus!! - No matter how shitty the rest of the town, you can always find a well kept church. Where do they get all the money to have such a nice church? Oh…from the fucking broke ass people who put their faith in…ahhhhh fuck it! That’s a whole other blogs worth.
Park Manure - Motel in the La Jolla part of town.
Golf Anyone - I "Googled" and found out there was a golf resort close by with a lounge. Since I had 4 hours to kill between jobs I figured I might be able to go there and hang. This is it. The Barbara Worth Resort.
True Story – I went in and asked a lady working there where the lounge area was. She told me that it was closed to “non-members” right now and then tried selling me a can of beer out of her mini fridge in the break room. I’m pretty sure she would have blown me…but she was missing a "visible" tooth. Not too good.
True Story – I went in and asked a lady working there where the lounge area was. She told me that it was closed to “non-members” right now and then tried selling me a can of beer out of her mini fridge in the break room. I’m pretty sure she would have blown me…but she was missing a "visible" tooth. Not too good.
Resort Area - Looks like the Barbara Worth Resort has resorted to turning away too many “non-members”. I must admit that this is the best resort if you want peace and quiet...or if you need to rape, torture and bury the body with nobody finding it for another 20…30 years.
Sign Signs everywhere the signs - They don’t want skateboarders and bikers fucking with the décor. Although I think if you let a few fruity rollerblader’s come around they may end up sprucing up the place. May even get an extra parade out of it once a year…if you catch my drift. (Joke: What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your dad you are gay)
It feels so good when it hits my lips - Actually a pretty cool bar I found while trying to get out of the heat. Name…Hot Rods & Beer. Link to reviews --> Hot Rods & Beer
GMTFOOH - Leaving “Center”!!!
Conclusion…”Center” is basically an outdoor homeless shelter with a ghost town motif. It’s the asshole, the dickhole, the taint…the La Jolla of the armpit of California.
KC
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