COMPLAINTS (by request)

I recently sent out a request for my FB friends to give me a few items to complain about. I need some motivation to start writing again and since I like to bitch about stuff it made perfect sense. A few people have requested more than one complaint and to you I say...who the fuck do you think you are? At any rate I will try to answer a few of yours but probably not all.

Without too much explanation, let me just go ahead and dive in.

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Melaura,

You requested about 4 complaints. 3 pertaining to Asian drivers and 1 about gravity. You are a racist. I respect that. I might have a complaint for all the above.

Here is the thing about gravity, it keeps us planted to the ground. As humans we are lazy by nature and if we wanted to get from point A to B, in the past we would have to walk. But thanks to a few not so lazy people in the past we now have the automobile. Now if we didn't have gravity we wouldn't need automobiles we would use jet packs to propel ourselves through the sky. How wonderful would that be? Well, gravity fucks that up. It sticks us on the ground in cars next to other people in their cars. We get frustrated and want to strangle people in their cars. Especially shitty drivers. Who are the worst drivers? Right.
Ya know...our cars protect us from the outside elements. They also protect shitty drivers from people who would like to punch them in the face on a daily basis. If we were in jet packs we could fly around punching shitty jet packers in the face. Or at least have fun chasing them. I think that if these shitty drivers where in an environment were they could be punched in the face they may just learn how to drive a little better.
Gravity fucks that all up.

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Desten,

You have requested Kids. Yes Kids. How can I complain about kids? More like...how can I NOT complain about kids?

Kids suck. To be more specific. YOUR kids suck. I don't have kids. But if I did or when I do, I am sure they will be awesome. But YOUR kids suck people. There isn't an adult on the planet who likes other peoples kids. Sure there are people who put up with them better than others but nobody actually likes them.

Kids are a real pain in the ass. They bring nothing to the table and even worse is that as an adult you have to watch what you do and say in front of them. What the fuck is this? When I was a kid I was the one who had to watch my shit NOT the adults. Nowadays kids basically run around like a bunch of assholes while the adults stand around hoping to not get punched in the balls or make them cry. That's another thing, kids are such pussy's nowadays. They cant do anything on their own and I'm pretty sure they are all going to grow up to be gay. I don't mind a sprinkling of a few effeminate boys running around with the other kids. We all had that neighbor kid growing up who would get into his mothers make up bag a little too often. But its like 80% of them now. And you could take out like 45% of a school playground armed with a bag of peanuts. Remember the good 'ol days when they had to shoot us with sniper rifles from afar? Ahh the memories.

Honestly, I should call this "Part One" because I could go on all day about why kids suck.

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Mark,

You've requested "Too much game for the masses" & the Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum.

The first request is very near and dear to my heart. Being the smartest guy in the room may sound like a good thing. It's not. Life would be much much easier if I were as dumb as you peop...uh..."the masses". What I would wouldn't give to go through life like you peop...er...a complete fucking moron. Not a care in the world.

If I were stupid and had NO game...I would have probably bought that Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum from that silver tongued television commercial pitchman with the British accent and the salt and pepper hair. But I am too smart. And I have a computer and know how to Google product reviews and because of that I know that the Dyson DC-28 Animal Upright Vacuum is a shitty product.

If I were dumb and had NO game I probably would have bought one and not known the difference. I would be having fun with all of the attachments right now instead of blowing your minds. But having too much game for the masses has kept me in a virtual "brain prison".

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Justin P.,

Feline Aids, Mexican Candy, New Jersey, Renee Zellweger, VH-1 & Snuggies.

How dare you ask for so much. You have cut into my drinking time...er...for the last time (dammit).

Feline AIDS, my only complaint about feline AIDS is that there isn't enough of it. Cats suck. They are rude snotty animals. Every time I touch one I want to take a shower. I can't be at someones home who has a cat and not feel dirty and coated with that fucking cat dander. Its disgusting and the fact that they can die from AIDS brings a little bit of joy to my day.

Mexican candy is a fucking joke. Whenever someone offers me a piece, pouch or stick of Mexican candy I always say no. Here is what you get...some sort of fake fruit shit smothered in...ready for it? Chili. If I took a shit, smothered it in chili powder and put it on a stick I could call it Mexican candy and I would make a profit on it if I sold it from some ghetto ice cream truck.

New Jersey. I don't really know much about NJ but I do know that I apparently hate their housewives and their shore. If I actually knew more about NJ and was forced to write a blog about it I suppose I would have used words like cunt, cunts, cunty, cunt donkeys, cunt faces, cunty hair-dos, cunty children, and whorish cunt fucks. But I suppose we will never know what I think about NJ.

Renee Zellweger could only fuck Tom Cruise in a make believe movie. 1) because she looks like Renee Zellweger and 2) because Tom would rather fuck her brother. That lemon sucking looking face of hers is brutal. She looks like a caricature of herself.

VH-1. The Adult MTV. Bullshit. They should call it "BET for white women". Show's like "Basketball Wives", "Football Wives", What Chili Wants", "Love & Hip Hop", "Beverly Hills Fabulous" are taking over the station. They have followed in the footsteps of their parent company MTV. There are no videos and there are no hits on Video Hits 1. Remove it from my cable package and credit me a nickle.

Snuggies are for the weak. Here's who buys Snuggies, people who think they are are a funny ironic gift and people who are completely out of touch with society. People who are out of touch are the ones that bother my the least. These are the ones who actually lay on their couch and read their shitty romance novels and/or Vampire novels while wrapped in their Snuggie. These are also people who probably own multiple cats who I hope all die of AIDS.
The other half are the ones who give them as gifts and think they are funny. But those arent the people who bother me the most either. The ones who encourage this type of behavior are the ones I cant fucking stand. The one you yells "OH MY GOD...YOU GOT A SNUGGIE!! HOW HILARIOUS!!! LET ME GET MY CAMERA!!! I HAVE TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS!!! DID YOU SEE HIS/HER FACE?!?!? TOO FUNNY!!!"
Go kill yourself.

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That will have to suffice for now.

Ken